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Drake's Hotline Bling is Bull And Here's Why

The first time I heard Hotline Bling I hated it. 

But it got stuck in my head one day and next thing I know I'm adding it to my phone. It took a few times for me to listen and realize that this song is laughable. But when I realized it, I couldn't get over it. It is an anthem for boys. Create a playlist. Place Chris Brown's Loyal on it and add Hotline Bling next. Title the playlist Anthems for No Good Men (otherwise known as F Boys). 

"How," you ask. "How is this song a bunch of bull?" 

Great question. I'm happy to answer. Shall we break this down lyric by lyric? 

Ever since I left the city you/ Got a reputation for yourself now/ Everybody knows and I feel left out/ Girl you got me down, you got me stressed out/ Cause ever since I left the city you/ Started wearing less and goin' out more/ Glasses of champagne out on the dance floor/ Hangin' with some girls I've never seen before 

So this is where we start. He's moved away. He's gone. She started to get a "reputation" and everybody knows, but you feel left out. Perhaps (and maybe I'm crazy here), you feel left out because you're gone. And I'm assuming when you say reputation, you're talking about her sleeping with other men, which you're framing to be a bad thing despite the fact that you've talked about in a song how you've had "sex four times this week." And I'm sure I could find other examples. So this seems like a bit of a double standard, but okay. You're upset because she wears less and goes out more. If you've moved away and you're no longer the one she's spending her time with, is she supposed to twiddle her thumbs until you're ready to come back and be committed or.....

And since when is champagne a bad thing???!!!!

You used to call me on my cellphone/ Late night when you need my love

I'm having a bit of trouble understanding why at this point she would still be calling you when you're gone. Obviously, you can't give her love anymore, so she's making someone else's hotline bling who can give her that love. Nothing in this song says you two were exclusive. Homegirl is fully single and ready to mingle. Why are we making her a villan?

Ever since I left the city, you/ You got exactly what you asked for/ Running out of pages in your passport/ Hanging with some girls I've never seen before

So traveling is...bad? Let's say hypothetically she's traveling with another man. Is she happy? Is she consenting? Is she having fun? Because that's all that matters. Also, where is this list of pre-approved girls she's allowed to hang out with. Are you her father? Point is, you're traveling. You're hanging with girls I'm sure she has never seen before. What is the difference between the two of you? Oh. She's supposed to be your "good girl." We'll get to that in a minute. 

Doing things I taught you/ Gettin' nasty for someone else/ You don't need no one else/ You don't need nobody else, no

.......nobody. Nobody was going to discuss this. We were all just going to let this slide? The only way this works is if these two were in a committed relationship with each other or at least in agreeance that neither side would see anybody else. But I'm getting a real good vibe that this is only supposed to apply to her. I would also like to reiterate that he is gone! He has left the city, presumably, for a whole other country. What do you mean she doesn't need anybody else? Yes she does. 

Why you never alone

Why you always touching road

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Used to stay at home, be a good girl

This is not the first time Drake has mentioned a good girl as one being at home, so I feel this needs to be addressed. Drake, on behalf of "good girls" everywhere, we do things besides stay at home. "Good girls" like to go out. "Good girls" like to drink. "Good girls" are sexual beings. "Good girls" don't mind hanging out with girls who aren't afraid to be badass in life because it puts a little bit of that in us too. "Good girls" are not women waiting around at home for men to be done with their "phase" and put a ring on our finger. If the girl wants to have fun, let her be great. 

You should just be yourself/ Right now you're someone else

Just because YOU don't know her anymore, doesn't give you the right to call her out on any of this. You don't even really know what's going on. So far in this song you've told us that she goes out more, is sleeping with more guys, dresses sexy, travels and drinks champagne. Is she doing lines of cocaine and getting dumped on for free trips to Dubai? Because then we have a problem. But other than that it just seems like this girl is letting loose and having some fun while she gets over the fact that you left her. 

Grow up. You're still backup bae and first on my celebrity list. But this song is a bunch of bull. Will I still listen to it? Yes. But I can't promise I won't give at least one eyeroll. 

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